WASHINGTON D.C. — APRIL 1, 2016 — In a surprise announcement this morning, the Surgeon General of the United States, Vivek Murthy, informed the press that he will dismantle national pharmacy chains. Under the new legislation, any chain of 10 or more pharmacies of the same brand or owner will have to be pulled apart. The new legislation, which mimics Germany's cap of four pharmacy stores per owner or brand, will come into effect immediately.
A representative of the Surgeon General’s office said, “This should not come as a surprise, as pharmacy chains got bigger and less personal, patients were getting lost in the aisles. Instead of getting their prescriptions quickly and efficiently, more and more patients were buying lawn chairs, 24-packs of water and whoopee cushions. Some patients never actually made it out of those pharmacies with their prescription, they just got dizzy and disorientated.”
In addition to banning pharmacy chains from America’s streets and malls, the new legislation requires that pharmacies stage their counters within 15 ft of the front door of the shop and limit the number of halogen spotlights. Pharmacy aisles will now be limited to 50 feet long and whoopee cushions may no longer be sold inside of pharmacies.
The new legislation was passed with bipartisan support, a prominent Trump ally surprised the media when she said, “This will certainly make America great again.” A Hilary Clinton supporter praised the announcement, “it will bring us together.”
Multi-billion pharmacy brands were scrambling to offload whoopee cushions this morning, eBay and Craigslist reported a spike in listings, teachers nationwide were already complaining that school pranksters were making more unusual noises than normal.